When I first met my partner Julie, almost thirteen years ago, I remember telling her that my greatest fear in life was that I would turn out to be “mediocre”. She looked at me and said, “there is only one thing that is mediocre about you and that is the way you’re dressed. But we can fix that. Just give me your credit card.” And Julie has done a great job of improving my wardrobe over the past ten plus years. But my point is that I had a dreadful fear of mediocrity, of somehow being like other people, being average and unremarkable; I felt like I would do anything to stand out and be different.
Recently, I have begun experimenting with dropping all need for specialness. I can see that there is a small child in me that wanted love and attention in a crowded environment (four older siblings) and that a large part of my motivation was not a spiritual need to express my unique being (which is how I had explained this unrelenting drive to express myself uniquely) but a psychological need to earn love. What if I am perfectly love-able and I am not doing anything particularly extraordinary? What if I am going to the laundrymat (we are renovating our home and our washer and dryer have been offline for several months), and I am as ordinary as ordinary gets, and I have no need to stand out in any way? (As an important aside, it is always so interesting to me when I uncover something that has psychological roots, like this need to be extraordinary in order to receive love, and to notice how I have been operating under a spiritual justification, in this case that I have been focused on expressing human uniqueness).
So I have been experimenting with enjoying the ordinary, not solving any big Sounds True problems or making “big deals” or creating a big splash of any kind. And I am noticing that I am happier than I have ever been. I am relaxing into being one of six plus billion people and simply being “one of us.” I don’t have anything to prove or anything to earn. Instead, it is about being present to what is needed and asked in the moment without a big agenda. I feel like a person instead of a striving determined-to-be-extraordinary achiever. And what I am noticing is that the glistening of the trees is brighter, the fur on Jasmine’s back (Jasmine is our 16-year old cocker spaniel) is even softer, and that I really enjoy going to the laundry mat!
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Hi Tamy – thanks for sharing your path and life.
All my life, I have used books, understanding, making sense of things as sort of a shield or defense mechanism against suffering, neglect, lack of love. It seemed that once I understood, I could withstand or put up with everything, including feeling unrecognized, unloved, lonely.
After quite a lot of work, I can see this pattern pretty clearly as it arises and often can stop myself and face whatever arises without resorting to a extra/super/meta-deep explanation of it.
At the same time, I recognize that this pattern is not simply a personality trait that I might wish to lighten up on but that it has also helped me do, achieve and even be. I feel a form of gratitude for it.
At this point in my life, I can say it is a fine line treading between the defensive pattern, its recognition and a desire to transcend it – and ultimately, getting to let things be as they are, i.e. getting to a point of really accepting this as it is – a type of silence.
As usual, you are predictably honest, the thing I have admired most about you all these years I have been listening to your interesting interviews. It helps more than you know, and it’s rare more than it should be.
So thanks for your very personal, and bravely admitted, insights at your edge.
Linda
Thank you so much for sharing. Your post is very meaningful and helpful to me. Thank you.
Thank you Tami for your complete honesty. It just reinforces to me that at our core we are all very similar and that no matter what we do in life or how much we have achieved nothing beats the feeling of knowing that “I am good enough” just as I am and I love myself unconditionally from that place.
Dear Tami, From the time I’ve found you and Sounds True, you’ve been such a great inspiration to me. I’ve been listening to your interviews over and over again and I appreciate deeply your unique personality, subtle directness in asking questions and wonderful insights.
I’ve been struggling with the same fear of being ‘like others’ for many years and it’s relieving to me to know that you experienced it too.
I’m so grateful to know you, so grateful for who you’re. Just who you’re, makes you so special.
Namaste, Lucja
I really appreciated your comment Allen. A passion to understand seems a sweet way to approach the edge where understanding drops into silence. The rest of the way perhaps is more difficult because it can’t be done alone…I wish it could. And that sad wish touches my heart and I hear you. Thank you.
Thanks for your post Tami! I say let’s aspire to see the undeniable specialness beaming out from within every one and every thing around us while relaxing into our own uniqueness that is waiting and wanting to express if we can get our egos out of the way.
simply terrific. I love what you share Tami.Ordinary so complete. I find nature such a beautiful role model. Thank you.
Dear Tami, thank you for your wonderful website which enables me to listen and learn from some of the best spiritual teachers in the world!
(You being one of them.)Your interviewing techniques are second to none I love and appreciate how you delve deeper into conversations with your guest speakers so that we can understand and get to grips which the subject being discussed. Your beautiful voice is that of an angel. Carry on with your beautiful work and keep sending the light….
I really relate to this. I like how you said it…it’s a matter of settling into the collective person that is humanity. Oneness.